This is going too far
Some people seem to place way too much weight upon my recently revealed masculine traits. I just received one of these e-mail greeting cards. “Dear Mark”, it starts, only to continue with love and other, ahem, declarations, from someone called “Wayne” (whose e-mail address starts with “Giselle”). Dear Wayne or Giselle, as flattered as I am, let me just clarify that, even though I can certainly drown myself in beer, triumph in farting contests, carry on conversations that consist entirely of “cool” and “umph”, and carry out numerous other activities commonly thought to be typical of men, my biological composition prevents me from performing certain activities to your liking without assistance of (at least) 2 of those things to the right. Sincerely, katatonik.