Bridge over troubled gums
Dental care of the urban middle class, Vienna, beginning of 21st century.
- Take a seat in your admirably relaxed, remarkably concentrated, yet motorically surprisingly slow Romanian dentist’s chair. Yes, all these attributes apply to the dentist, not the chair.
- Rinse. Listen to Adriano Celentano on the dentist’s radio. It’s that song Sven always plays at Euroranch outings and whose title you never memorize.
- Open mouth and enjoy three shots into not yet bleeding gums.
- Rinse. Listen to Waterloo and Robinson, “Meine kleine Welt” (“My little World”).
- Open mouth, listen to electronic noise symphony of drills and other instruments, and then wait patiently while the Romanian dentist’s wife, an accomplished dentist herself, takes models of your remarkably shaped teeth & gums (meanwhile bleeding, yes).
- Bring Tupperware box of models to orthodontist, near the other end of town.
- Lower your voice while talking to orthodontist in his office. After all, we don’t want the secretaries to hear of that not quite legal business we’re bringing to him.
- Discuss pricing with orthodontist. Have orthodontist determine colour of implants. Admire his skills, and blush because of shame over the dark tone of your natural teeth. Admire autographed poster of Hansi Hinterseer in orthodontist office.
- Have breakfast, preferably coffee, to increase shame over dark teeth. Keep holding right part of mouth shut with napkin; otherwise food will trickle out of mouth due to labial paralysis and contribute to social alienation.
- Wait, a week or less, until orthodontist has made deal with dentist, and then pick up Tupperware box containing brand-new bridge over troubled gums. Bring to dentist, have placed in the appropriate places, and smile, presumably while listening to Shakin’ Stevens.
- Hand over big bag of money.
- Suggest change of radio station.